Still pretty pissed at my sister yesterday even though she apologised to me. LOL I had the last meeting with "Understanding Your Brain" today with Amanda and Chris. Michael did not attend because he was busy with head2work. Good on him. Chris called me a hollywood star today hehe. So sweet. Lovely old man. Our topic today was focusing on getting back to work and driving. Honestly, the process of getting my licenses back is gonna be such a pain in the ass but apparently it's not as bad as it seems. I met up with Carol my case manager and asked her to have lunch with me and so she did. She had subway and I brought my own lunch. We sat and ate together and caught up and things and I showed her my Year 12 formal photos and other few photos as well. She likes my improvement in my weight loss and to see I'm doing better. She's a great case manager getting all the shit done for us to her best of her ability. She's going to find out what's going on with my EAS form and CLU and also try contact Dr Catherine Toong for me for another appointment. I've told her I didn't get accepted into this time round as first offer... I have not told my parents or family yet and I don't really want to. I'm a bit disappointed and upset about it but I'm just hoping on the next second round offer in January to hit me a couple of acceptances. Anyway, still not happy with my sister, I came home after all that and went gym with my Mum after. I did two classes with Marie. Step ABT and Body Balance. Afterwards, I saw Tee. HEHE probably in my worst state, like honestly when I look the best or dress the nicest to the gym he's never there :( So sad. Anyway, we had a cute small talk and all and I totally ran off hahaha, showered, came back home and had dinner, cleaned the dishes and hopped in bed writing this.

Sunday Twenty sixth of October Two Thousand and fourteen

Today, I woke up and went to the gym with my Mum. We did two of Marie's classes. First was STEP ABT and then Body Balance. After the two classes, I felt great, went into the sauna and showered. Then got home and I had already messages my siblings about getting ready to go out and have lunch with my Uncle and Aunty and baby Muni, but no they completely ignored the message, so I fought with my sister, Edrea. She gave me attitude and all and was yelling at me and blaming on the fact that her phone was on silent. Still, my brother told her to get ready and when I got home, she was nothing near ready, and she was already eating. So we had to cancel with my aunty and uncle, which pissed me off. I then started to play the piano. First time I actually got back into it in so long and I have to admit I'm not the best but I am trying. Then we fought again. We went dancing and I completely ignored my sister. When we came back home, I was quiet cos when I'm mad I'm quiet. She hung out with Ami the whole time. Then Ami's parents came by and picked her up and we planned the date of my birthday, I'm looking forward to it. It will be on the 13th of Dec at Aunty Danet's new mansion! Wooh. Later during dinner, I said I didn't want to go to CLU anymore, and my sister said 'we want our parents to ourselves too' which pissed me off, and my mum also said she wanted a break. LOL whatever. Then after, I played the piano again and my mum said to Edrea "teach your sister something" and she said "she took away everything away from now she's gonna take away my piano" like, it's not even hers, Dad paid for it LOL. So I accused her of being selfish and we fought again. Like relax I know the piano's her place to get away but she uses a lot of my things and I let her borrow heaps of my stuff and she can't even lend me the piano LOL. So I was pissed with her again. Later she finally came in my room and apologised and all. I just smiled and said nothing, I was still pretty pissed. LOL To top it all off, I did not get accepted into Uni this time round as October offers.. Gotta wait for January offers now. GG. </3

Two nights ago I uploaded photos of my Year 12 formal on Facebook. There were photos of you and I uploaded and I thought it was okay, you weren't even tagged. But you texted me.. For the first time since we broke up. Your words were:
"Hey Marie"
"Can u please take down those photos off Facebook."
"I would really appreciate it."

I didn't reply to you. I saw your message, did what you told me to do, took down the photos of us and never replied.

The thing is, I don't know if I'm completely over you. It's been nearly a year since we've broken up and yet there hasn't been a day where you haven't crossed my mind. You were the best thing that I thought has happened to me, yet you were the worst boyfriend ever. Recently, old friends have told me what you've been doing or was up to while we almost ended our relationship. New friends that I've met that knew I've dated you has told me I'm better off without you. The thing is, I know you've moved on, I know you have someone else but you won't make it public. I also want an explanation. Why did you want it to end? Why did it end? What was the reason why? Why didn't you put in the effort to keep the relationship going when I didn't have the ability to anymore because I was so sick in hospital? What people tell me that's supposed to hurt me doesn't hurt me. What I see on social media that's supposed to hurt me, doesn't hurt me either. I guess it means I'm over you, but why are you constantly on my mind? Why am I constantly checking your Instagram, Twitter and Facebook? Why do I have dreams about you?

Saturday, Eighteenth of October Two-thousand and fourteen.

Today I basically woke up just in time for breakfast. Made myself my protein smoothie, warmed up a slice of pizza and did some chores, like opening the blinds, cleaning the dishes, folding and hanging the clothes. After breakfast, I hopped back into bed and caught up to the latest episode of Awkward. It's so hilarious and I love Sadie and Matty. Not as a couple but two different individuals HAHA. After that our whole family got ready and dressed and went to Stocklands. We impulsed bought a few perfumes paid $95 for one and got another 5 for free, wooh. I then got another eye test at my optometrist and received another free trial for five days for my contact lens wear. These ones that were given were daily wear ones, so I get to use a pair a day and throw them out at the end of the night and wear a new pair the next day/time, less chance of infection and bacteria coming through :) Finally came home, chilled a bit and got ready to go to Antoinette's BBQ which was supposed to be Renan's movie night. Felt a little bad for dogging Renan but we're making up for it this Friday instead so all good. Picked up Rebecca, then we headed to Antoinette's, there was so much food and alcohol. Good sound system and music and everyone had fun. So many cambo boys and girls and everyone just got into everything and drank, but me. I was on meds so I still couldn't drink unfortunately. I still managed to have fun though with everyone, especially these two guys that went to Pats with my ex LOL One of them spoke about my ex a lot and asked why I was ever with him lmao, I ask myself that too nowadays. Dickheads will be dickheads. I can't believe I never believed anyone who told me not to be with you I didn't listen and I ended up getting hurt badly HAHA sigh. There was also Ryan that I spoke to. Really wished I got the names of the other two guys cos they were quite nice. Anywho, felt really good to see Ryan again, that guy man. Always a good mate, a joker and makes me laugh. Glad to see him alive again LMAO Sad to hear he doesn't hang with our old mates now. Out with the old, in with the new, as Sharpay says. We're his new peeps now, well I'm not, but the people tonight are. I've always been with his groups I guess, but it's been so long that I've seen Ryan and we've been such good friends that it wasn't at all awkward to speak with him all night, we had a lot of fun. He wrestled against Chuong and he lost.. Like ARE U SRS. Probably all an act to purposely lose HAHA. Finally met Chuong's girlfriend, she's quite nice, her name's Kim. Antoinette's sister Joy was so out of  it by 9pm that she had to conk out on her bed, LMAO. She asked to rest on my boobs and she said they felt nice HAHA funny girl. Anywho, that was what happened tonight, it was much needed to get away from everything and see old and new faces in one night. Thanks everyone for today, ily. Goodnight.

x

This.

Stop romanticising unhealthy relationships. Stop thinking you can change someone. You' can't.  They need to change for themselves. Stop romanticising the idea of you two being together some day. If it isn't happening now, let it go. No more pouring your heart out to someone who gives you little to no reciprocation. Find someone who values your long letters and passionate attempts. This person will reciprocate, with twice as much fire. 

Tee.

From the very first day I met you, I thought you were the sweetest, most adorable and cutest guy ever. You're so nice, you treat people right and myself right. You're friendly, helpful, playful and have this loving personality. What really attracts me to you is your kind nature and you don't have a big head. You know you're cute but you still have this shy side to you which I really love. You're my boxing instructor. I only see you once a week, on Wednesday mornings and that literally makes my week. You've called me beautiful, hugged me from behind, helped me, instructed me when I need it. Your nature is so gentle and gentlemanly I love it so much. You hi5 me when I deserve it and cheer me on when I need it. I've baked brownies and cheesecakes for you in the past and you bought me boxing mits and paid for me but no one else. You always ask me how I'm going and if I'm doing okay with everything and how proud you are of me on my road to recovery and that I'll get there one day and be normal and back to Marie 1 again. Yesterday we played footsies in front the whole class and I giggled and laughed a lot and you said to everyone that 'She kills me, I love her laugh' I love you. Kidding. I like you, a lot. I've liked you for a while, you're everything I look for in a guy, you're so sweet and kind I just can't stop saying that haha, I should stop now, you should keep offering me your hugs btw, cos I love that hehe. Just notice me please, I'm right here.

Today.

This morning I went to see Dr Ramnan at Neurology Department and we spoke about my progress. It was her, my parents and I in the room and basically, she's really happy about my weight loss and my recovery. We spoke about my behaviour and my independence, how I behave now to what I was like before, my mood, irritation and how independent I can be now. Recently I've been going to the gym on my own like I used to now and it's a good sign. I like being at the gym on my own but I also miss my mum's company too, since she's so handy when she's around but it's nice to not have your Mum there for once. I love the people that work at Fitness Studio once again, they make me feel like family and I treasure almost each and every one of them. Anywho, I'm allowed to go to uni next year, Dr Ramnan spoke about how I am able to go to uni but will have to take it easy and maybe do one easy course to start off because my brain doesn't have the ability to cope with two degrees/courses to start off. I'm nervous yet excited for uni. I recently reapplied again and now I'm just waiting on acceptance letters, hopefully I get accepted somewhere, anywhere is fine. Dr Ramnan however did mention I was having a bad hair day because she and the nurses were so used to seeing me doing my hair during my stay in hospital and always had good hair all the time but today.. I just didn't have the time and it did look a bit afro-ish ahahah. But any who, I thought I looked fine, she isn't one to judge. She did ask me how I was losing weight though and really I'm not doing much, just taking more classes at the gym and eating isn't so much controlled like it used to be HAHA. 7 kilos down, 9 more to go baby. 

After seeing Dr Ramnan, my parents and I went to Costco, we bought a shitload of food! I bought a big tub of butter toffee popcorn, mm the best. Then we went to cabra to have lunch, I bought this Thai drama to watch cos it looked good. The girl character was so pretty, she kinda reminded me in a way, just the way she acts and how the drama was set. Her lover (boy character) was so good-looking, and he was in hospital, she was a nurse. I just had to watch it hehe. Can't wait to start. After that I picked up my brother and his two friends from school and took them to oz tag training. Then I picked up my sister and Selena from MMC. We came home, we all played "Would You Rather" from an app on Selena's phone, whilst munching on my toffee popcorn, seaweed and bread with pesto paste, so yum. After that, my dad drove me to the gym where I was left on my own to be independent again. I did a class of Kimax, which is like boxing. I boxed the shit out of the boxing bag because I was thinking of that idiot "M" we shall call him and it made me feel so much better. I sweated so much haha. Spoke to Selja for a little bit while I waited for my Dad to pick me up after and then finally came home to Om Sreng and his wife to join us for dinner. Had a good dinner, most of the food was from Costco, chilled on social media, took my medicines as usual, showered and hopped into bed writing this.

fu

Straight out, you’re the worst person I’ve ever met in my life. I’ve never met someone who’s constantly treat a girl like shit before. From the moment we first spoke, you were decent, you were nice and actually showed that you somewhat cared. But no, as time went by you were a complete dick and spoke to me like I was a piece of property. I’m not. How dare you say you like me and not show it. How dare you say you care for me as a friend and not give two cents about me. What comes out of your mouth is nothing but lies and fakeness. You deserve nothing but bad luck and unhappiness to come your way. I don't wish it, but you deserve it after everything you've put me through. You tell me you like me but don't even show it at all. Then you move on and tell me you're talking to some other chick at work. Good on you mate. I don't really care. I have a billion other people that care for me, telling me I'm wanted, special and beautiful. So why should I let someone like you put me down so much? So worthless. You're worthless. You're nothing but a piece of meat. I hate you. With a passion. Never in my life have I've come across someone so uptight, big headed and inconsiderate like you. Your accusations and you thinking I'm obsessed with you? Please. Just because a girl writes a post on her private blog about how she feels does not mean she is obsessed with you. No one like me will ever be obsessed with a douche like you. You treat me worse than my ex who was a dickhead to me for a whole 18 months of relationship, but you, I've known for only a month and everything that came out of your mouth is an accusation, assumption and a start to a fight. You can never say anything nice, I don't know how you even have friends, honestly. At least I tried. I tried to be friends with you but then you said "We're nothing from now on" last night. Thanks. This is all on you. Unfollow me on social media. Block me on social media. Make fun of me with your "best friend" she's a two face anyway. I've known her since primary, you've known her for the last two years. You both fkn suck. But you suck more. Rot asshole. 

One last thing about you.

Have to get this off my chest and this is the last time I will be ranting about you because we've finally established that we're going to be friends. Yeah, worst pair of friends in history we're going to be. I'm so fkn sick of your constant accusation, manipulations, swearing and bad attitude. Mate, get your shit together because that's not how a guy treats a friend. Great, you've moved on and is speaking to some chick at work. All the very best.
I don't deserve one slice of the shit you give me after every single word that comes out of your damn mouth. If you have nothing nice to say, don't bloody say it.
I have this guy telling me I'm amazing everyday. Telling me I'm wanted and would make the best girlfriend or partner a guycould have. I have another guy making me feel special even though we're miles apart. I have this other amazing guy that wants to take me out every fkn week but I always reject him. I have an even more amazing guy that I'm lucky enough to see often that gives compliments and playfully jokes, laughs and flirts with me and makes me feel somewhat apecial. Friends tell me I'm amazing and a strong girl. Yet, I'm still on my own. I get called beautiful everyday, by a family member or stranger, whoever it may be, I've always been called beautiful no matter what, so why should I let someone like you let me down so much? When you never once made me feel special, wanted or beautiful. You never even made me feel safe or happy, why should I fkn bother anymore? From now on, I'm not falling for anybody's sweet talk and stupid fake kind acts. The right guy will come to me when I least expect it, I'm not going to bother with any male species again besides my family and bestfriends and probably Tee. That is all.

You finally said and admitted you didn't like me anymore.. Thankyou I was waiting for that answer. I can officially get over you and move on with my life once again.
However, if you are going to talk to me, why can't you talk to me like a friend would speak to another friend like if you didn't like me anymore? I don't like commununicating with you with constant arguing and bringing up things from the past like how I don't make the effort to see you and all. I do really want to see you, it's just difficult cos you're a guy and my parents have to meet you before I go out with when I do go out. So that's an issue that I can't really fix, it will be fixed in the future though when I'm better, and that's what I'm hoping for.
Any who, I wouldn't mind being friends with you, cos obviously that's what you want now, but I'd appreciate it if we actually spoke to one another like friends would because that would make me a happier girl.

Antoinette sent me the most beautiful message ever:

Hi my love. Sorry for the really late text. I was meaning to text you earlier today when I saw your Facebook status, but I was at work and had a few plans afterwards and just got home. 

You're truly an angel sent from above. From watching you almost day by day beside your hospital bed you and your family showed me what true strength really is. The first time I visited you was in ICU. As I walked in, my heart sank. I tried to hold my emotions together and stay strong but I couldn't. As I held your hand, I got to the point where I could not hold my emotions any longer. And so I cried. All I could ask myself was why you? If anything, why not me? I looked at your father, and he told me everything will be okay. And so I was convinced. Why? Because even though he saw his daughter laying in a hospital bed, he still managed to keep a smile on his face, he still managed to keep God close even when he had every reason to be angry at him. He managed to have faith in such darkness. After a few weeks you were transferred and so I visited you again. You were much better from when I last visited you. After the weeks progressed, your journey to recovery has been so far successful. I witnessed you overcome the darkness day by day. And although you had so many reasons to give up, you didn't. And look where you are now my love. I am so proud of you. I really am. I'm so grateful to have been a part of your journey, to watch you grow into the person you are today. Your story will change so many lives. It will inspire, guide and give faith to those who do not believe things will get better. How do I know this? Because it's changed mine. 

Love you beautiful girl! 

"Night is always darkest before the dawn - and your life is just the same. The hard times will pass, everything will get better and the sun will shine brighter than ever." ☺️

I love you Antoinette.

So I spent all afternoon doing this:

My story:

Mid November 2013, I completed my Higher School Certificate (HSC). On the 10/12/13, I was suffering bad headaches, vomiting, photophobia and neck stiffness. I was admitted into Emergency room at Liverpool Hospital in Sydney. White cell count on CSF showed a mononuclear cell infiltrate. EEG showed slowing of activity consistent with encephalitis/meningitis. Initial testing for NMDA receptor antibody was negative. MRI brain was normal. Initially thought to be viral meningitis, so treated with acyclovir. By this time, family and friends were in great shock and sadness but were there for me as a great source of support. Their prayers and visits kept me positive and strong through my stay in hospital. Sadly, I turned 18 and celebrated my 18th birthday on the 12/12/13. I was later discharged a few days after on 16/12/13 followed by readmission 17/12/13 with seizures. Repeat testing for NMDA receptor antibody on CSF revealed positive result, and hence, diagnosis. I was discharged from ICU on 13/02/14 and was admitted to the Brain Injury Unit.

Initial management was conducted for primary malignancy with CT scan and PET scan but both negative. Was initially on sodium valproate but seizures were ongoing so keppra was added. Rituximab commenced on 13/1/14. On the 15/1/14 I had an operation/procedure which was undertaken called a Tracheostomy. Lamotrigine added 23/1/14. Mycophenolate commenced 7/2/14. I was starting to experience behavioural issues on the ward and was treated with olanzapine and 20mg temazepam because I tended to get agitated at night. Bactrim was commenced. I suffered a URTI viral infection on 25/2/14. On 3/3/14, modified barium - which meant dysphagia soft diet and middy thin fluids were taken as food intakes. By this time, 1:1 special nursing required. Second MRI scan was still normal. I had no previous or past medical history of being a this sick prior to this brain injury.

Brief social and family history: 

• Single storey house with parents and brother in year 10 and younger sister in year 9. 
• Was to start business/law studies at UTS 2014. 
• Completed Year 12 at Mary Mackillop College. 
• Was driving 
• Was working as a casual part time employee at TOYS ‘R’ US at Westfields Liverpool. 
• Both parents work - Mum part time and dad full time. 

I was transferred to the BIRU Liverpool Hospital on 25/3/14 for further management and rehabilitation. On examination, cranial nerve examination was normal, and power was 4/5 bilateral upper and lower limbs. Neurological examination was otherwise unremarkable. I was not orientated to date, day, but was orientated to month, year and place (Liverpool Hospital). I was not topographically oriented. I could not perform simple calculations. I could remember 1 out of 3 objects. I was inconsistent with 1 and 2 stage commands, I had poor auditory comprehension, limited verbal output and was moderately dysarthric. Skin integrity was good. I could mobilise independently indoors without aids. I required prompts in showering but could toilet independently. I was on mildly thickened fluids and soft diet. I was emotionally liable and would often behave in a childlike manner. Episodes of agitation and aggression were especially related to denied requests for food. 

Therapy undertaken during this difficult time was physiotherapy and occupational therapy. I see my speech pathologist Karen, psychologist Dianne on Mondays as an outpatient, after being discharged on the 4/6/14. It’s been 2 months since I’ve been an outpatient and after visits with my neurologist, Dr. Alan McDougall, he says I’m 90% on my road to 100% recovery, which is a good sign. My Immunologist, Dr Catherine Toong, has reduced my medication such as Bactrim, Keppra as well as steroids. Recently, “Understanding your Brain” group has been run by Amanda and only I, Chris and Michael sit this meeting every Monday morning at 10:30-12pm now and every second Friday table tennis and art group is held which I do attend every time it’s held. So far, I’ve lost half of the weight I’ve gained during my time in hospital. I blame the medication and my Dad for my weight gain. However, it’s all coming off, with my daily gym sessions .Although I’m not the happiest girl on earth, I am a lucky girl to have who I have in my life and to be where I am today, so I thank God and the people who’s been there for me all this time. I love everyone who’s been with me throughout my journey dearly and my message for those out there going through something like me or might face this problem in the future, is to never give up on hope. Stay positive, believe in yourself, pray to God, appreciate those that support you through thick and thin and fight for yourself and what you believe in. Nobody’s perfect, everyone has a story, and this was mine. 

Divergent.

So I watched Divergent in bed late last night and omg, I'm in love with Theodore James.

Goals for the end of 2014:

• Be disease/sick- free. Medication free. 
• Be back to my original weight. 
• Get accepted into Uni. 
• Be independent again.
• Fall in love. 

You finally spoke to me at the end of the day today after ignoring me for the whole day and surprisingly, I was overwhelmed and happy to have receive your call. However, once again, we fought and it didn't end out well. You frustrate me with your immaturity and yet I still stay on the phone with you until you hang up on me. I don't know what's with you that makes me feel like I should just keep talking to you and not give up on you when every time we speak it feels like we're getting nowhere. You bring out the worst side of me when I can be the best person a person can be with or just talk to in any friendship or relationship.
It sucks how you don't give me that chance to show you who the person I really can be and it also sucks that you kept accusing me of calling you a 'bad guy' all night when clearly you couldn't even prove it to me. I never called you a bad guy. Yet you called me two things a girl never wants to hear. Thanks.
Thankyou for hanging up on me too, really mature.
I freaking hate communicating with you this way and I just want it to end. The feelings for you are still there, they have not disappeared within a day.

I like you, I really do, but it doesn't seem like the feeling's mutual.

Promises are made to be broken.

"Thanks for hurting me when you 'promised' and said you wouldn't'"
"I told you I wasn't going to hurt you."
"But you did"
"I just needed time to think. What you do with your emotions and how you take things is not my doing."
"You're right, I only have myself to blame. I am giving you the time to think, I said it was fine if you wanted to be friends. I didn't realise how much "we could be friends" and "go do your own thing" could really hurt me.. I really didn't expect those words to come out of your mouth cos I believed you were better than that."
"Ok"

Ok? Ok I guess that's how we'll end things. You're so indecisive, you can't even give me an answer as to what you want from me. After waiting and giving you time all day yesterday ignoring you you said it was low of me when I accused you of hurting me. Well you did, and you broke your promise when you said you wouldn't. It's not hard giving someone an answer as to what you want. Your answer was "go do your own thing"
Fine.
I thought you were better than most guys. But you're not. You're just like every male being. A liar.

I blame myself for ever having felt this way and having feelings I thought would never come to this in just a short period of days of talking to you. It isn't long, but the journey felt like an emotion of ups and downs within a relationship.

Once again, I've learnt another lesson and that is, promises are made to be broken, and boys will hurt you no matter what. I've been through this once too many times and somehow, I thought this might end up to be different, but it wasn't. In just a short period of time, it ended just like that, with an "Ok".

Thanks for nothing, Thanks for the expectations and hopes, Thanks for making me believe that it'll happen.

Thanks for the broken heart.

I'm back.

It's been a while since I've blogged and been here.. I was admitted to hospital with a disease last December and was there for a total of 8 months. I was diagnosed with ANTI NMDA Receptor Encephalitis. My time in hospital was probably the worst time of my life.. For both the people around me and I. No one expected me to be diagnosed with something so serious and severe that made me end up in such a state for that long. I thank my family for their love and support and for the those that aren't my family who still stuck by my side through thick and thin through the worst time in my life. Being in hospital however, I did become a stronger Marie. I've met new people and gained new experiences. I've changed as a person because of my disease and it's medication. It frustrates me. Everything really. The side effects of my medication makes me very emotional and moody and sometimes I cannot control it. I'm trying to be back to the old Marie. Or Marie 1 as people call it. Doctor says I'm 90% on my road to recovery, which is a good sign. During my time in hospital, I've been in ICU, Emergency room, Children's Ward and Brain Injury Unit. I was on life support, couldn't walk and talk, had a seizure, fell and collapsed and all that eventually faded as I pulled myself back on my feet to recovery. I was discharged about 7-8 weeks ago now. I'm currently an outpatient. I see my speech pathologist Karen, psychologist Dianne on Mondays and every second Friday table tennis and art class is held which I do attend every time. Recently, "Understanding Your Brain" group has been run by Amanda and only I, Chris and Michael sit this meeting every Monday morning at 10:30-12pm now. It's so boring and I don't find it at all useful. Thank God today was Labour Day and I had the day free of appointments. I spent the day with my family and we went to La Perouse and Maroubra. My brother, sister and Dad swam in Maroubra beach where I ended up swimming in my Uncle's apartment and we stayed for dinner tonight. It was good, we ended up watching The Voice Cambodia after HAHA. Anyways, back to my road to recovery, I've lost half of the weight I've gained from being so hungry and eating so much from medication. I blame the medication and my Dad for my weight gain. But it's coming off and I'm happy about it, although I'm not the happiest girl on earth, I am a lucky girl to have who I have in my life and to be where I am today, so I thank God and the people who's been there for all this time. I love you all. Goodbye for now.