I'm so over feeling like this. I'm so over feeling like I am the victim when I'm not. 

I hate feeling like I always have to apologise or admit that I'm wrong even when I'm not. I hate how you bring things up from my past that I can't change. I hate that it even happened in the first place and you still have the nerve to bring it up everytime especially when we are fine. We are happy, we are slowly mending and picking up the pieces but it's like you don't want us to move forward or be happy, it's like you want something to get in the way and make us fight. Do you like fighting? Do you like making the both of us upset? Do you like hearing me cry? 

I hate how you always find anything to make me feel guilty when there's simply nothing at all. I don't know about you, but a relationship is when the two parties actually want the other to be happy and see the person you love be happy. It's all I ever do for you. I always stop doing something to make you happy, I always forgive you straight away to just see you happy. I restrict myself from doing things to make you happy. I cut off so many ties with people just to see you happy. I try my best everyday to make you feel happy and somehow feel like you're special to me, but you don't understand. You never open your eyes and see the little things I do, you treat and act like I'll always be there for you and because of that, you always push me away like I'm some sort of sock kicked or thrown in the corner of your room and leave me like that. You don't have the audacity to actually try and fix things or talk it out, you're always right aren't you? When I try to make you happy I'm the bad person here? I don't understand, boyfriends aren't supposed to be like this to their girlfriend. There's only so much I can put up with, and you probably don't even know it. You probably don't even see how I'm smiling through every thickened crack inside of me. You fuck up alot. I always forgive you. I forgive because I want us to get over things and be happy. You can't do the same for me can you? You always have to say "Just leave me alone". How the hell is that supposed to make me feel? Do you want me by your side or not? It's like I'm an object to you. Someone that will be there for you when you want and not be there when you don't. You can't just forgive me, or get over things but instead make everything so big. If I did the exact same things you did to make I don't think you'd be here, I don't think you'd stick around. But I do, and it's because I love you. 

You lie to me straight to my face, more than once and yet I still have the heart to forgive in a second and never bring it up again, but for you.. For something I do to MAKE YOU HAPPY, you ignore me for 5 hours and then come back and talk to me and be all dry?! You're so unfair.

I give you my 200%, putting my feelings and needs after yours.. Right  now I feel like you're only giving me 70% of you and it's unfair feeling like I'm always trying when you aren't. I'm sick of the lies, the dickhead act, the 'it's not like I haven't done it anyway' 

Can't you just grow up and stop being so stupid and realise what you have infront of you before it's gone? 

"Every girl has that one guy she goes back to, heartbreak after heartbreak and nobody knows why, not even her. And she just can't let go"

I've let so many things slide because I'm so afraid to lose you.. But you lied to me, and here I am, hoping. Giving you another chance just to see a change, for the both of us.

I always thought you were the type of person to keep your word, the person to never give up on something he's passionate about, the person who would hold onto what he calls love. That's what I thought, but I've come to realise the truth.

Truth is, we've had a couple of rough patches these past few weeks and it felt like I was the only one trying to fix it all and keep us together. Two days ago, despite the fact that I've had one crappy week, I was really upset and you were being the biggest dickhead and did not stop. I assumed you would've stopped, because the Talal I knew would've made sure I was okay, he would've comforted me until I felt better, but no, this Talal didn't. He was continously being a dickhead. When I cried he decided to laugh multiple times and made noises.. Like wow. You've really changed or something. Maybe you haven't change, maybe it's your true colours coming out, or maybe you've changed the way you felt about me I don't know. We barely said much on the phone that day. We were probably holding some sort of grudge, I'm not too sure, but I was seriously losing it, cos I couldn't cope with that stupid crap at school, let alone the shit you were putting me through. You acted as if you did not care, as if you didn't love me anymore, you didn't care about how I was feeling at the time, it was all about you. You and keeping yourself amused. I didn't know how to feel about that cos really it showed me alot about how you felt about me... I'm so done hurting, I'm so done feeling like I've put in all the fucking effort and get shit in return.
What really sucks is that you spoke of breaking up the whole night.. You spoke about breaking up like it was something casual. I know you can live without me, I know you can forget about me in a day, I know you're capable of that, and I'm not. So somehow, somewhere, some day I have to keep telling myself that you might not be here anymore, or forever. You gave me the impression from the beginning of the relationship that we were gonna be together forever. You gave me the impression that no matter what you would keep us together and never let me go, but really I was all wrong, I fell into some sort of trap thinking the  day we would end would never come, but it already has once, and it probably will again before I know it. You speak of breaking up, I tell you you bring it up alot and answer with "Hmm yeah" like umm okay? You tell me you know what I want to hear after we spoke of breaking up, but you didn't even say it. It really says alot, it's showed me that you have changed. You've changed so much. You don't even want to be with me, because you don't fucking try.
It's come to the point where you speak of things like that so casually that sometimes when you reassure me that you won't leave me.. Deep down, I feel like you will, one day. It will come. And I have to face that crazy fact that you won't be in my life anymore. It sucks.. knowing that the one person that tells you you'd both be together forever has the power to change it all within a second without you even knowing.

And you know what's worse, thinking that the effort you put in, thinking that all the little things you've put together the past few weeks just to cover up the little cracks all comes down to the words, "I'm starting to lose interest". 

Fucking gone. Everything. Why do I continue to try?! Why is it that when I feel like giving up, a part of me is already continuing to pick up the pieces and continue to make us whole again, but it all comes to that. "I'm starting to lose interest".
A stab in the heart, a shot in the leg and a punch in the face that was. Wow. Thinking that your efforts would change for the better only changed for the worse. It sucks so fucking bad, realising all this. Realising the one person that's told you they's try so hard for you just all of a sudden stops trying. It's not fair. I don't deserve any of this but I'm still trying without even realising the fact that I am. You think it's so easy, so easy to change the way I feel.

Just like the next day, with just a "I love you, I won't ever leave you, I want to be with you", you think it changes everything. Actions speak louder than words, and I'm afraid to say that your actions don't follow with the words you're saying. "I'm starting to lose interest", the idea of breaking up, the fact that you don't care keeps running through me, every second of the day.
I'm not the same person anymore, and so are you. I felt like I've lost everything, like everything's completely slipped out of the palm of my hands.

You tell me you won't leave me, you tell me you love and that you will give me your 100% from now on, and yes, that makes me ecstatic but you know what.. I haven't seen in today, the 100% that you say you'd give me? You were dry to me all day today. You were constantly online talking to others and don't reply to me. I tell you to not give me "ok"'s and yet you continue to. I tell you we're not talking much today and you say there's something wrong with me. I ask if we'd be texting while you were at Jordan's and you tell me not to be clingy. Mainly, what hurts me, is that you don't want me the way you did before. You'd want me to be clingy, you'd always reply to me before anyone else, you'd never say "ok". You would've given me your  "100%" in a much different way to this. I don't know if you've forgotten but this isn't the Talal I fell in love with. I still try to keep you happy, I still try to BE HAPPY, even though every part of me in falling to shreds,  but I guess that's what love does to you. It takes over you. And you'd do anything for that one person, and I am. What kills me is that you don't even seem happy to talk to me, you're there, you're online, but it takes you forever to reply, or you completely go off altogether even after seeing my message. It's a shit feeling tbh, knowing that everything's changed and the one person you thought you wouldn't see change is the one you call your true love.

But I have to get use to it, people change, I have to just stay strong and keep telling myself everything is okay, even though it isn't.

If there's one thing that I don't understand about the two of us, it's the way we handle the same reversed situations differently. It was last night that I waited up for after being so tired for the whole day, I still had the energy to wait up for you while you were at training and were out with your family.
It wasn't until you called me that I actually felt moody because of having to wait for so long, you asked me some repeatedly when I answered with the same thing multiple times, and when I screamed the answer again, you totally flipped. WHY?
Why do you never ever put yourself in my position and understand how I feel? I waited up for you, I kept myself together just to speak to and get what? You being mad because you pushed my buttons? I'm sorry. We both know that in a reversed situation where you'd scream at me, I'd always let it slide and you'd tell me to "Get over it". That's the thing, I always let it slide. I let everything slide for what, the love I have for you? I take in every ounce of anger, force, scream you've ever thrown my way. Why is it that I am capable of that but you aren't? Why am I always in the wrong, in a situation that is so forgiving. Why do I have to feel like I'm always fighting for this relationship. You tell me you love more than I love you, but how is that true, when you don't fight for me, put the effort for me. Why do I have to feel hurt with every word you say to me. Why do I feel like I'm less than anything in this relationship.
I realised my mistakes, I realised. I always do, why don't you? Why do you push me away, make me feel like nothing? The tweets, the replies. WHY I would never tweet about you in that way, so why must you put me down more than I already have. It's a small situation that's turned so big.
If only you knew.

I feel like I'm at my last end, you're the only person I have to keep me standing tall. I feel like I should just give up because with everything I say I get dry replies in return. Do I really deserve any of this? Do I deserve to put in the effort for so long but we're back to where we started? Do I have to feel more disappointed in myself that I already have.
You tell me you love me more than life itself, then why don't you show it. Why don't you have that little compassion to understand me, to put it past you. Why do you make it seem like letting me is go easy? Why..

I feel like the feelings I have for you are taken for granted, I feel like the feelings I have for you are being walked all over by none other but you. I'd always fight for you, because that's what love is. But I don't see the same in you.. and that's what hurts the most.

What if I let you go? What if I told you I can live without you? Would you fight for me like I fought for you? Would you come back and actually tell me the three words that mean everything to me. The thing is, I can't let go.
I can't fight it, I don't know what I'd do without you. I just wish for us to be a couple for a really long time. I don't know if that's too much to ask for but it isn't impossible.


I love you.