Rant: (e)x.

ugh i can't believe this. you're engaged??! wtf....... just wtf... okay. I don't know how I am supposed to feel about this, but i am feeling something. outrage? shock? surprised? HURT? I don't even know.

It's been about a year since i was discharged out of hospital and ONE FKN YEAR later you got engaged to some chick you used to text telling me she was your cousin? I need to rant, because this shit is always on my mind. i thought it would never get to me, but as I constantly checked your instagram, i saw pictures of you, and her and her caption and how she had your date that you asked her out, in March, WOW really, it took that little amount of time for you to ask her out? THEN PROPOSE? AND HERE I AM, looking at your engagement photos, "engaged to the man of dreams" photos of you both together thinking, shouldn't that be me? You said we were going to marry, you said we were going to have a huge engagement party, you said I was the one you wanted to be with forever.

Where were you when I need you most? Where were you when I was half dying, sick in fkn hospital for 6 fkn months??? You never came to see the person you said you loved, the person you said you wanted to be with forever, there I was picking up the phone everyday calling you and texting you thinking and believing that we were together and that you were by my side. Oh how stupid of me, to believe and loved a guy who was full of shit. I hope you feel the slightest amount of hurt i feel.

tbh, i just don't know how to move on. you. you were my first love, my first everything and til this day, i always compare others to you. I just wish one day, just one day, sooner or later, God will give me that someone that will give me the capability to allow me to not ever compare him to you and I'm sure I'm sooooo very sure that I will love him more than I will ever love you.

goodluck with your marriage.

I'm so sick of not being able to go out like I used to. I'm not a fucking baby. I'm almost fucking 19 in less than a month I shouldn't be treated like a baby when I ask to go out for coffee with some friends. "You need a carer" "Something will happen" "You might end up in hospital again". Whatever. I't's just fucking coffee. I'm not gonna get raped by my own friends. SO SO SO sick of asking to go places and being treated like I'm in kindergarten. Once I'm fucking "better" I'm going to go out and never fucking be home. Srsly. SO OVER THIS. Fucking hate being "SICK". SO over it. I just want to fucking kill myself sometimes because I'm treated like a prisoner in my own home with my family being my prison mates. Let me fucking go I'm not a fucking child anymore.

Still pretty pissed at my sister yesterday even though she apologised to me. LOL I had the last meeting with "Understanding Your Brain" today with Amanda and Chris. Michael did not attend because he was busy with head2work. Good on him. Chris called me a hollywood star today hehe. So sweet. Lovely old man. Our topic today was focusing on getting back to work and driving. Honestly, the process of getting my licenses back is gonna be such a pain in the ass but apparently it's not as bad as it seems. I met up with Carol my case manager and asked her to have lunch with me and so she did. She had subway and I brought my own lunch. We sat and ate together and caught up and things and I showed her my Year 12 formal photos and other few photos as well. She likes my improvement in my weight loss and to see I'm doing better. She's a great case manager getting all the shit done for us to her best of her ability. She's going to find out what's going on with my EAS form and CLU and also try contact Dr Catherine Toong for me for another appointment. I've told her I didn't get accepted into this time round as first offer... I have not told my parents or family yet and I don't really want to. I'm a bit disappointed and upset about it but I'm just hoping on the next second round offer in January to hit me a couple of acceptances. Anyway, still not happy with my sister, I came home after all that and went gym with my Mum after. I did two classes with Marie. Step ABT and Body Balance. Afterwards, I saw Tee. HEHE probably in my worst state, like honestly when I look the best or dress the nicest to the gym he's never there :( So sad. Anyway, we had a cute small talk and all and I totally ran off hahaha, showered, came back home and had dinner, cleaned the dishes and hopped in bed writing this.

Sunday Twenty sixth of October Two Thousand and fourteen

Today, I woke up and went to the gym with my Mum. We did two of Marie's classes. First was STEP ABT and then Body Balance. After the two classes, I felt great, went into the sauna and showered. Then got home and I had already messages my siblings about getting ready to go out and have lunch with my Uncle and Aunty and baby Muni, but no they completely ignored the message, so I fought with my sister, Edrea. She gave me attitude and all and was yelling at me and blaming on the fact that her phone was on silent. Still, my brother told her to get ready and when I got home, she was nothing near ready, and she was already eating. So we had to cancel with my aunty and uncle, which pissed me off. I then started to play the piano. First time I actually got back into it in so long and I have to admit I'm not the best but I am trying. Then we fought again. We went dancing and I completely ignored my sister. When we came back home, I was quiet cos when I'm mad I'm quiet. She hung out with Ami the whole time. Then Ami's parents came by and picked her up and we planned the date of my birthday, I'm looking forward to it. It will be on the 13th of Dec at Aunty Danet's new mansion! Wooh. Later during dinner, I said I didn't want to go to CLU anymore, and my sister said 'we want our parents to ourselves too' which pissed me off, and my mum also said she wanted a break. LOL whatever. Then after, I played the piano again and my mum said to Edrea "teach your sister something" and she said "she took away everything away from now she's gonna take away my piano" like, it's not even hers, Dad paid for it LOL. So I accused her of being selfish and we fought again. Like relax I know the piano's her place to get away but she uses a lot of my things and I let her borrow heaps of my stuff and she can't even lend me the piano LOL. So I was pissed with her again. Later she finally came in my room and apologised and all. I just smiled and said nothing, I was still pretty pissed. LOL To top it all off, I did not get accepted into Uni this time round as October offers.. Gotta wait for January offers now. GG. </3

Two nights ago I uploaded photos of my Year 12 formal on Facebook. There were photos of you and I uploaded and I thought it was okay, you weren't even tagged. But you texted me.. For the first time since we broke up. Your words were:
"Hey Marie"
"Can u please take down those photos off Facebook."
"I would really appreciate it."

I didn't reply to you. I saw your message, did what you told me to do, took down the photos of us and never replied.

The thing is, I don't know if I'm completely over you. It's been nearly a year since we've broken up and yet there hasn't been a day where you haven't crossed my mind. You were the best thing that I thought has happened to me, yet you were the worst boyfriend ever. Recently, old friends have told me what you've been doing or was up to while we almost ended our relationship. New friends that I've met that knew I've dated you has told me I'm better off without you. The thing is, I know you've moved on, I know you have someone else but you won't make it public. I also want an explanation. Why did you want it to end? Why did it end? What was the reason why? Why didn't you put in the effort to keep the relationship going when I didn't have the ability to anymore because I was so sick in hospital? What people tell me that's supposed to hurt me doesn't hurt me. What I see on social media that's supposed to hurt me, doesn't hurt me either. I guess it means I'm over you, but why are you constantly on my mind? Why am I constantly checking your Instagram, Twitter and Facebook? Why do I have dreams about you?

Saturday, Eighteenth of October Two-thousand and fourteen.

Today I basically woke up just in time for breakfast. Made myself my protein smoothie, warmed up a slice of pizza and did some chores, like opening the blinds, cleaning the dishes, folding and hanging the clothes. After breakfast, I hopped back into bed and caught up to the latest episode of Awkward. It's so hilarious and I love Sadie and Matty. Not as a couple but two different individuals HAHA. After that our whole family got ready and dressed and went to Stocklands. We impulsed bought a few perfumes paid $95 for one and got another 5 for free, wooh. I then got another eye test at my optometrist and received another free trial for five days for my contact lens wear. These ones that were given were daily wear ones, so I get to use a pair a day and throw them out at the end of the night and wear a new pair the next day/time, less chance of infection and bacteria coming through :) Finally came home, chilled a bit and got ready to go to Antoinette's BBQ which was supposed to be Renan's movie night. Felt a little bad for dogging Renan but we're making up for it this Friday instead so all good. Picked up Rebecca, then we headed to Antoinette's, there was so much food and alcohol. Good sound system and music and everyone had fun. So many cambo boys and girls and everyone just got into everything and drank, but me. I was on meds so I still couldn't drink unfortunately. I still managed to have fun though with everyone, especially these two guys that went to Pats with my ex LOL One of them spoke about my ex a lot and asked why I was ever with him lmao, I ask myself that too nowadays. Dickheads will be dickheads. I can't believe I never believed anyone who told me not to be with you I didn't listen and I ended up getting hurt badly HAHA sigh. There was also Ryan that I spoke to. Really wished I got the names of the other two guys cos they were quite nice. Anywho, felt really good to see Ryan again, that guy man. Always a good mate, a joker and makes me laugh. Glad to see him alive again LMAO Sad to hear he doesn't hang with our old mates now. Out with the old, in with the new, as Sharpay says. We're his new peeps now, well I'm not, but the people tonight are. I've always been with his groups I guess, but it's been so long that I've seen Ryan and we've been such good friends that it wasn't at all awkward to speak with him all night, we had a lot of fun. He wrestled against Chuong and he lost.. Like ARE U SRS. Probably all an act to purposely lose HAHA. Finally met Chuong's girlfriend, she's quite nice, her name's Kim. Antoinette's sister Joy was so out of  it by 9pm that she had to conk out on her bed, LMAO. She asked to rest on my boobs and she said they felt nice HAHA funny girl. Anywho, that was what happened tonight, it was much needed to get away from everything and see old and new faces in one night. Thanks everyone for today, ily. Goodnight.

x